The Good Old-Fashion Post
by 13 Pairs of Wings
Summary: Arthur and Alfred have been assigned as pen-pals for a school assignment. Instead of using email however, the teachers have decided that their students will send letters the old-fashion way and mail them. This is a little side-project of mine to help me write these characters. AU with USUK in the future.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** I blame the plot bunnies. It's all their fault!

I already have a giant mound of work to do (Grade Projects, writing The Dragon's Boy, etc.), but while I'm trying to write for The Dragon's Boy, I have a fanfic idea that I just _had_ to go through with. On the spot. At 0:52 (12:52 in the morning). I made up the addresses at an equally ungodly hour so they probably make no sense. At all. I'm so sorry if I messed up with the UK address. I've never wrote anything addressed to the UK in my life, so I just used the internet, even though it tends to lie about important things like how to write an address.

* * *

Arthur Kirkland

728 Far Shire Road

WELLINGTON

TA21 9HP

UNITED KINGDOM

Dear Arthur,

Apparently our schools have put together some pen-pal program thingy, and guess what? You get to be my pen-pal! :D How awesome is that?! I hope I got your address right, because seriously? You guys have some weird addressing system or something. . I swear it took me like, ten times just to get it all right. Anyways, a bunch of my friends are half-assing the project, because "whats the use of knowing someone if their an entire ocean away?" I have to agree with them on that one, but I'll still try it if you will. It'd be nice to talk to someone who isn't like "oh your _that _guy" or "dude, effing shut up". Ok, we got like, 5 more minutes before I gtg catch the bus, and I don't even have this printed, so I'm cutting this one short.

From,

Alfred F. Jones

PS: hey how do you guys deal with the suckish food over there? I had British food once and it seriously tasted like shit! XP

* * *

Alfred F. Jones

1453 N. Covered Wagon Rd.

Forkford, IA 8549

United States of America

Dear Alfred,

It is nice that schools like ours are making their students more aware by creating a pen-pal program between two nations. It is a great opportunity to expand one's knowledge of life in another country, without having to actually fly to said country.

I, however, would like to remind you of several things when writing a letter:

First of all, American postage codes and addressing form makes even less sense than the United Kingdom's. In all respects, it's just difficult because you've never used it before. If you had grown up here, you would have agreed with me that American lettering makes absolutely no bloody sense.

Second, I would like to remind you that there is such a thing as correct grammar, you prat. There were so many grammatical and spelling errors in that letter; I won't even begin to list them. Not to mention it's all together poorly structured creation.

This brings me to another point I would like to make. This is indeed the post, not some email or text; do refrain from the use of smileys. It's so unprofessional and childish. Really, we're both about 14 years old and in Secondary school; belt up.

In response to what you _actually_ wrote:

No one is taking this seriously over here either. It seems that it doesn't matter where they are from, teenagers will still be lazy and unproductive. If we're going to be "the future of this world", then we need to work on this generation's laziness. There is so much unproductivity—largely because of distractions like internet and texting mind you—that someone ought to do something about this before it gets too out of hand.

Unlike you, I am actually writing this the night it was assigned, and not the next morning, so I have plenty of time to revise and finalise this letter before it is sent off. Try writing things when assigned next time. (I would also like to point back to the previous paragraph about laziness)

From,

Arthur Kirkland

PS: Bloody git! I will have you know, British food tastes perfectly fine! You must have just had a terrible chef make it. Probably some French idiot who didn't know what he was doing.

* * *

**A/N: **I'm thinking of two letters for every chapter. That is, unless if the letters start getting absurdly long. Then it might be one per chapter, but for now I'm sticking with two. This is also the first time I've written for Arthur/England, so if you guys could _please_ tell me if I did it right, or if I screwed up.

If I do indeed continue this, it won't in any way be "normal" updates. I'll just be updating it whenever I feel like writing a letter, or have writer's block. I'll go back to trying to write The Dragon's Boy now... hopefully there will be no more distractions...

By the way, this was all written at about 2:30ish, so if something isn't making sense, or seems strange, its probably because of that. Or its because Alfred refuses to use proper grammar/spelling.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** I accidentally replaced this chapter with chapter 3 when I was making corrections! Danke to xTheShadowLordx who caught that for me.

Because of my accidental deletion, there isn't any A/N for this chapter. Lucky/unlucky for you!

* * *

Arthur Kirkland

728 Far Shire Road

WELLINGTON

TA21 9HP

UNITED KINGDOM

Dear Arthur,

Seriously? Dude? Uptight much. Loosen up, its not like this is some all important business letter. If I wanna throw grammar out a ten story window, tin mb i wil, n ull lik it :P

Aw! Come on! Smileys are awesome! D8 Talking crap about my spelling is one thing, but don't dis the smileys! And what is "secondary school"? Is that like, British high school? Sounds like elementary school to me. XD

We aren't THAT lazy! It's not like we're not doing important things. Our important things just aren't essays, worksheets, and that crap. It's not my fault school's so boring .

Ok, for the record, I just kinda forgot until my brother (Mattie) reminded me. It's not like I was up all night playing video games! Well…I was…BUT that's beside the point! I only stayed up because I forgot I had to write that letter. XP

Now I'm just looking for stuff to write about. Our teacher said we had to make these this "long-ish", so… how's school? Wait. That's a lame question. You sound like one of those guys that have really good grades and grow up to become those old bearded professors, or something. :P Personally, if your gonna go get some job that's all nerdy, go for NASA. I mean, you'd get to GO INTO OUTERSPACE. How awesome is that? Look at all of the planets, and walk on the moon! Someone could say something about the moon and you could just be all "Well I've been there. 8)" How badass would that be!

Mattie's pestering me to go do something. Bye.

From,

Alfred F. Jones

PS: Dude, have something against the French?

PSS: We should make up code names! I'll be The Hero.

* * *

Alfred F. Jones

1453 N. Covered Wagon Rd.

Forkford, IA 8549

United States of America

Dear Alfred,

I am very "loose", bloody git! And quit typing like a pre-schooler! It's bloody annoying and hard to read!

Fine, I'll make a deal with you. If you clean up your spelling and grammar, you can use smileys. If not, then you can forget about this pen-pal thing. Even if it is an assignment, I will not write to some American idiot who can't spell out "going to" or use the right form of "you're". Also, high school and middle school are your country's version of our secondary school. If you had taken the time, you could have looked that up yourself.

I still hold to the argument that teenagers are generally lazy, but it's interesting to hear that school is "boring" to you. Does that mean that you not academically challenged, or that you simply don't enjoy learning?

You stayed up playing videogames? Honestly, I don't find how videogames could ever be possibly interesting enough to stay up so late on a school night. I would understand staying up over finishing a book, or homework; but why so many people find it necessary to spend so many hours of their lives in front of a television screen is beyond me.

School is fine of course. I actually did once consider taking a job as a professor. It sounds like you are very interested in becoming an astronaut yourself. That's quite the goal you have, and I'll leave chasing the stars to you. If you want to know, I hope to become a writer, or at least own a bookshop myself.

This Mattie brother of yours sounds very responsible, unlike my own brothers. All they're good for is getting into trouble and making a mess of things. They're constantly bullying me. Do try to be nice to your own brother. He seems like a good one.

From,

Arthur

PS: As a matter of fact, I do. I know a Frenchman, and he most certainly deserves it; the bloody wanker.

PPS: First off, it's "PPS" not "PSS". Second, I will not call you "The Hero"; it is nonsense, and unoriginal.

* * *

**A/N:**Ok, original A/N or not, I feel like I should write something here, so this is me, writing something and asking for you all to please review! It helps me write faster and better. In turn, it helps you guys out too. It's a cycle!


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** It's surprised me that I even finished the first letter this week. I'm starting to really like writing letters as Alfred. Just reading over his letters made me laugh. I think it's mainly all of the smilies' faults. I don't think I mentioned this before, but Arthur's street was named after the Shire from the Lord of the Rings, and Alfred's was named after a street three down from my dad's old house (there really is a place called Covered Wagon Road. Our theory is they ran out of street names).

* * *

Arthur Kirkland

728 Far Shire Road

WELLINGTON

TA21 9HP

UNITED KINGDOM

Dear Arthur,

You're about as relaxed as someone who's meeting the president in his pjs. :I

Don't go Artie! DX Look! I added a…what are they? 's… comma? No that's the bottom one… Anyways, not the point! I'm trying ok, so you can't leave now, and I can use my precious smileys! :D There! It's a win, win situation now!

Hey, the internet lies, man. You can't trust it! I have proof!

Ok, so _some_ people are lazy, that doesn't mean that the entirety of teens get to be lazy too. I'm sure that somewhere some of us work really hard or something. Like in some place in Africa! Btw, school is easy and all, but the work is so pointless. Why do the assignments if I already know what they're talking about?

Don't start dissing on videogames too! You're no fun! Videogames are awesome, and you just can handle it. One of these days I swear I'm gonna go to England and find you, because otherwise you'll never know how to be an actual teenager! You have to actually have fun and make friends, or you're gonna die. I swear I'm not lying! ;_;

Dude, astronauts are awesome. They're ultimate explorers. Haha I knew it! I can totally see you as an old white bearded guy giving some lecture to bored college kids. Btw, speaking of looks, what do you look like? I got blonde hair and sky-blue eyes.

Yeah, my brother is so cool. He's always saving my ass. It sucks that your brothers are so mean to you, but it's partially your fault, Artie. I've never meet you, but if you're anything like this in real life you must be rrreallllly easy to pick on. No offense of course.

Got anything to talk about? Teach says that we need to make these things longer. Only 3 more of them are assignments though. We should keep sending letters afterwards!

From,

The Hero

PS: Wow! Does he know any French?!

PPS: It's totally original! If you don't make a code name, then I'll just have to call you Artie!

* * *

Alfred F. Jones

1453 N. Covered Wagon Rd.

Forkford, IA 8549

United States of America

Dear Alfred,

I'm about to go around arguing with you over how relaxed I am like I'm a little child.

Don't get all in a huff you git; I'm not going any time soon. Thank you for fixing your grammar and you are getting better with spelling at least. Oh, and they're called apostrophes, since you can't seem to remember.

Alfred, the internet can't lie. It is a computer thing and is incapable of intelligent response. What is "lying" would be the websites on the internet that are giving you false information. In the future, try to discern if the source is reliable before trusting it.

Spell out "by the way". Btw is not a word (even if the bloody typing program doesn't recognise it as not being a word, it isn't one). There are teenagers all over that work, not just on the continent of Africa. All the same, there are many more teenagers that do nothing with their lives and become drooling decorations on their parents' couch. It is good to know that at least somewhere in that brain of yours you have a certain level of intelligence.

I know perfectly well that I'm "no fun", _thank you very much Alfred._ I didn't need you to bloody tell me. Besides, I have friends. And don't you dare come to England! I will move to Wales if I have to! Stay on your own side of the Atlantic.

As I said before, I'll let you be the astronaut and I'll stick to my books. Also, I would never grow a beard, and I wouldn't ever be able to stand being a college professor or a teacher in general. Unless if it was with little kids, _maybe._

I refuse to tell someone I barely know what I look like.

Alas, if only I could swap my brothers with yours. It would make life so much easier. I wouldn't have them staring and laughing at me all the time. It would be bliss.

Prat! I most certainly take offense! That was insulting and I'm not about to just let you get away with writing that, bloody wanker. Don't you dare call my Artie again either!

We'll see if I can bother to write after these quit being assignments.

Ah, well, it's getting colder here. Winter break is in a few weeks, and then Christmas. I'll have to suffer three days of relatives poking into my business and being generally nosy. Hopefully Mum will get me the book I asked for.

From,

Arthur

PS: Yes Alfred. That's why I called the frog a Frenchman.

PPS: Fine, if you're going to force me, then I'll be the Gentleman.

* * *

**A/N: **Another chapter finished. Aren't their code names original? *sarcasm* I couldn't think of anything else. You gotta love Artie's sarcasm and snappy responses. Oh, and something similar to the "PS" messages about Francis happened to me at my old school when I started talking about my friend, Korea's, friend who was a Frenchman.

Now I must go and get a slice of the coffee cake in the kitchen before my step-brother eats it all. Good-bye until the next update!


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: **Wow... It's been a while, hasn't it? I really need to update this story more often, it's a lot of fun to write for. Anyway, my laptop is having... "Technical difficulties" (aka: the lit melted from getting too hot and I can't access anything), so don't expect any updates on, really, _anything_ else. I'm surprised I some how was able to update this, let alone find a computer that will let me get on to fanfiction (long story).

So, while I don't have access to my usual computer, and finding time that I can use for 'writing only' is getting hard, I'll try my best to update everything ASAP! In the mean time I will be working on a new project (I am COURAGE, of the same AU as my other "I am" story).

Hmm, that was a lot of rambling. Oops ^^" On with the story!

* * *

Arthur Kirkland

728 Far Shire Road

WELLINGTON

TA21 9HP

UNITED KINGDOM

Dear Gentleman,

What kinda code name is "Gentleman"? I'll take it this time, but, seriously, pick a different one. Something cool like Hero!

:D Dude, I knew you wouldn't just leave me! Hey, so why do all of those grammar words have to be so weird and hard to remember? . Did English people just like messing with us so they made everything as flipping difficult as they could?! What's up with that?!

Pfft! You knew what I meant! Don't have to get all technical and "well if you want to say it exactly blah blah blah". Do you like to sound all uptight and smart, or is it just something that all British people do? Haha, you're so British. Have you met the queen? Do you drink tea? Yuck. I hate tea, coffee's wayyyy better.

You wrote bloody. :3 All I'm gonna mention is: sooooo British!

Too bad! I'm going to march over to Wellington and there's nothing you can do about it! SO HAH! XP

Awwww, but Artie, books are BORING! Go out and do something! Join the football team! Or Rugby. Or what ever sport you have over there. (Football's way better btw :3) Speaking of sports, our football team is kicking serious ass this year! We haven't lost a game yet! GO EAGLES! :D

Fine, if you aren't going to tell me what you look like, I will forever invision you as a stuffy old British professor with bad teeth.

Dude, you can't take Mattie! DX I kinda wanna meet your bros some time, but you can't go around stealing my brother! He's to awesome to be stolen!

Yea yea, blah blah. :) Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie!

Gotta love copy and paste! Hahahahaha!

Don't leave! I like talking to you! Even if you are kinda weird.

Yea, we got our first big snow storm a couple weeks back. They're saying it's gonna be a cold winter this year. Snow on Christmas! Woo! Anyway, you can't hate Christmas, Arthur! Don't tell me your gonna be a Scrooge! I won't let you! Come on, Christmas is my favorite holiday :I Well... right after my birthday (Its on the 4th of July. How awesome is that? 8D)

From,

THE HERO!

* * *

Alfred F. Jones

1453 N. Covered Wagon Rd.

Forkford, IA 8549

United States of America

Dear Alfred,

I refuse to refer to you by this stupid code name. I chose "Gentleman" and belt up, because it's a good code name. The Gentleman always beats the Hero anyway. And it's "Kind of" not "kinda". _Use real words_.

I would also like to take the time to note that it would seem that you are in love with the exclamation mark. Congratulations; do invite me to your wedding.

Oh how I despise allowing those bloody emoticons. Alfred, I don't know why the original speakers of the Queen's language decided on those names, but I can agree with you that they can be quite cumbersome to remember. It took me a while to remember which was which, but naturally I was able to figure it out.

I am fully aware of my nationality, git! No I've never met the Queen; I'm sure she's a very nice person though. Of course I drink tea! How can you Americans even stand coffee? Its completely tasteless and fowl.

I will take the opportunity to refer to the above paragraph. If you come to England, so help me I will move to _Wales_ if I have to!

For the last time, quit calling me Artie! My name is _Arthur_! Not "Artie".

Don't you dare call books boring. They are marvellous things that express both the creativity and wit of their writer. I will have you know that I am an author myself, and I do not appreciate your comments toward the world of literature.

It is indeed called rugby you _twit, _and it's a much better sport than your country's butchered, wimpy version of the sport. I will also note that the rest of the world associates football with the actual sport that Americans have inaccurately labelled soccer. Why do you even call the _foot_ball? There is barely any use of your feet in the game in the first place! If anything it should be called handball or some other title. Though, technically handball is already a sport.

_Fine_. I have messy dirty blonde hair and green eyes. Are you happy now?

Use "too" not "to" Alfred. It is not "He's to awesome", but "He is _too_ awesome"; and I was proposing a trade. There would be no stealing involved.

Quit mocking me! I do not appreciate it! My bloody name is ARTHUR not ARTIE!

I will refer to my first paragraph. " it's "Kind of" not "kinda". _Use real words_." Neither "Gotta" and "Gonna" are words either. It is "Got to" and "Going to". Quit butchering the good Queen's language. Honestly, sometimes I wonder why I even try.

Oh, it's snowing over there? I guess it would, what with you living in one of the northern states. Currently we are only experiencing a bit of a wet sludge at best. It might snow this year though. _Might._

I am not a Scrooge. I simply dislike all of these people crowding around in our house. They seem completely unable of staying out of other people's business. It will probably be past Christmas by the time you read this so... Merry Christmas.

From,

Arthur

PS: Did it snow on Christmas morning as you had hoped?

* * *

**A/N: **Yay! Some of Arthur's caring side finally appeared! We'll be seeing it more often later though, so look forward to a bit of fluff if I can manage it. If there are any mistakes, please tell me. Half of this was written very late at night, and I haven't quite switched over to being nocturnal this early in our week of spring break.

Reviews are loved! They keep me going (seriously, I get one and I immediately want to start writing). Auf Wiedersehen (goodbye) for now! *waves*


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:** Ok. Before I type anything else, I would like to tell you all two things:

1: MY COMPUTER IS FIXED! *throws confetti everywhere* This means I'm back in business people. More updates! Hurrah!

2: I would like to take the moment to shot out to TeaAndUmbrellas who has given sizeable reviews on every chapter that kept me going for a while on this long chapter. Danke. Again! Your rants have been most entertaining to read and reply to as well.

That's right people. This chapter is longer than the others. The first one where both letters were longer than a page, and by a considerable amount. Alas, I am a bit behind schedule now, but fear not. There will be more! (Or perhaps I've just spelled out my own doom, but oh well.)

* * *

Arthur Kirkland

728 Far Shire Road

WELLINGTON

TA21 9HP

UNITED KINGDOM

Dear Gentleman,

ARTIE! IT FRICKIN' SNOWED ON CHRISTMAS! :D

The holidays were so awesome! Mattie made us his famous chocolate chip pancakes on Christmas morning. :3 I wish I could send you some, cause they're soooooooo good! 8D

Ok, so I woke everyone up at 3am like every other year, and we all ran downstairs to open up presents. Guess what?! I get down to the bottom step and almost got trampled by... DOGS. We don't _own_ any dogs! :D Mom and dad were all smiling and dad pointed to the goldy licking my face and was all "That one's yours Al. She's a sweet girl from the shelter." The other was a bit white guy for Mattie. I swear it's as tall as our table. The thing is like a mini polar bear O.o I think I saw Matt crying he was so happy.

So yea... X3 I named mine Carmel and Mattie named his Kumalio or something. I'm calling it Kuma. (Who calls their dog Kumalio?!) Aunt Rosey set us both gift cards to _anywhere_ ($50 :D Idk what that is in euros or whatever, but that's a lot.) Uncle Sam got me the video games I've been looking at for like, two months. Mattie got some guitar from a couple of our cousins who own a music shop and I got a pile of CDs from my favorite bands. I think you'd like my cousins. Their all out in Australia and one of them kinda reminds me of how I imagine you'd be like... You know, _if_ we meet one of these days. That would be so cool...

How was your Christmas? Did it snow? What did you get?~ :3 Oh! It's probably been New Years by the time you're reading this. HAPPY NEW YEAR! :D Look, he's got a party hat :3

Ugh, next week I have school again! DX Why does winter break have to be so short! Darn it. Can't we have like one more week? One and a half isn't enough ;_;

Dude, these things are getting reeeealllly long. I'm almost on page 2 and I haven't even gotten to talking about the stuff from your letter yet!

I can write however I want to! Besides, Word recognizes them as words so hah!

Haha! Only if you're my best man Artie ;)

Wow cumbersome is a word? No idea what it means but it sounds like "Cucumber-some" XD You have to admit that smileys add character to an otherwise ordinary letter! Plus, since we can't actually see each other's expressions you can imagine what I look like better! :D

Dude, you have to tell me if you ever do meet the Queen! It was so cool how she went to the Olympics with the James Bond actor! That was so awesome! X3 by the way (hey look! I spelled it out for ya!) I've had tea and it tasted horrible. Coffee is so much better!

Wales? Wheres that? Some place in Europe? OH! IS IT A NATION OF WALES?! That's so cool! I wanna go there! They need to come up with a more creative name for their country though :I

Arrrttttiiiiieeeeeee~ You know I use this just cause it annoys you. ;) That and I still think its a much better nickname than Gentleman. That makes you sound like some guy from the 1600s or whenever that one time period was. Starts with Vic…

Really? Books are sooo boring though Artie! I start reading one and fall asleep . Its like, an instant sleep potion or something. Never knew you were an author. Somehow I that doesn't surprise me though XD

FOOTBALL IS AN AWESOME SPORT! You just can't appreciate it because your Britness won't let you say anything nice about America. Deep down though, we both know that you like it. Admit it Artie, football is the king of all sports. And manly. Soccer is just "eh" in comparison.

Oh really? A supposed "trade" you say? Because I sense trickery at hand! You just want Mattie and his fluffy dog all to yourself! You can't pull the cotton over my eyes. I'm on to you. You won't be stealing my prised pancake maker from me! :I

I think I addressed the question about snow though ;) I hope you got the traditional white Christmas too.

Aw, Artie, stop being so antisocial! Relatives are awesome people, and they mean good. Except my cousin Tony. He is ALWAYS up to something. Always I tell you. O.o

I don't think I said this so: MERRY VERY BELATED CHRISTMAS!

From,

THE HERO!

PS: And a Happy New Yeeear~

* * *

Alfred F. Jones

1453 N. Covered Wagon Rd.

Forkford, IA 8549

United States of America

Dear Alfred,

I will start off with saying that I am going to try and ignore all of the horrid grammar and spelling mistakes you made. It's not like you ever listen anyway. Though, I will give it to you that you're doing much better than the first few letters. Since I got that out of the way, on with the letter.

Christmas was a nightmare as per usual for me; though I'm glad that you liked yours, Alfred. There were only cloudy skies for the holidays over here. Relatives were everywhere and the house felt like we were being lined up in a sardine can. Normally it's a bit of a small house, but with six extra people, there's barely room to move. That would be twice as many occupants as normal, in case if you were wondering.

Seeing as you took the time to list what you received, I might as well tell you what I got for the holidays.

First, my brothers went out and found a pet for me like what your parents did for you. However, the new animal in our household is a Scottish Fold kitten I've named Crumpet instead of two unruly dogs. Crumpet is sitting on my lap now, taking a nap while I write. I guess my brothers are capable of doing something right after all.

I was also given two books—both of which I've finished by now—a new notebook, and the sixth season of Doctor Who on DVD. Out of those four I can't decide if I've enjoyed the books or the new DVD the most. I suppose being the American you are though, you don't watch Doctor Who. It's a wonderful show, one I think you would like if you'd just get over the fact that it was made here in the UK instead of at that ridiculous place you call Hollywood.

Well, the relatives have all finally left and school is in session once again. Still not a sight of snow, but at least I don't have to trudge through it in the mornings.

Happy belated New Year Alfred. I'm sure you went to some party to celebrate. I, in my own fashion, celebrated the coming year by sitting on my window seat with a book and some tea watching the sunrise.

How are you and your brother's dogs doing? I suppose you're enjoying those new video games. I will never understand what appeals to people about those things... Don't try to explain that. My brothers have already tired, and it's a lost cause at this point.

You have cousins in Australia? My cousin moved to Australia a couple summers ago. Wouldn't it be interesting if they knew each other? Ask your cousins some time if they know anyone by the name of Jack C. Kirkland.

I don't know how long your winter break has been, but here we get two weeks after every term. The winter holiday break is one of them, and I personally think that is adept time to spend on break for a holiday. It only seems short because you have been busy. I spent the time relaxing with a book when I could and avoiding relatives otherwise.

These letters are getting to be a considerable length. I said I wouldn't bother correcting your bad grammar, but I would like to note that you should probably save paper and print on both sides like I have.

I find it hard to believe that your word program recognises those as actual words without you having done something to it. Even a bloody American program must know that "gonna" is not a word.

Alfred, I think you could easily find someone among your no doubt many friends that would be much better suited as a best man; possibly not someone who can't afford the trip across an ocean.

Yes Alfred, cumbersome is indeed a word. It means "1) Large or heavy and therefore difficult to carry or use; unwieldy. 2) Slow or complicated and therefore inefficient." I was clearly using the second definition.

If I met the Queen, I think it would be something to write to you about whether you asked or not. I must agree that the entrance ceremony for the 2012 London Olympics was very well done.

Clearly, you must have made some American tea, or possibly Tetley. Both would be equally horrible. Actually, I will take that back; Tetley would be much worse. Hopefully you got the package I sent. Inside are some tea bags of various brands and kinds. I suggest you try them; especially the Earl Grey—one of my favourite teas.

Wales is in the United Kingdom, git! That means that it is in Europe. However, it is _not_ a country of whales. There is no such thing, you prat. I think you would be doing everyone a favour by buying a world atlas and using it.

The time you are talking about would be the Victorian Era, Alfred. It lasted from 1837 until the early 1900s in England under Queen Victoria's rule. Also, Gentleman is a perfectly fine nickname. If one of us needs to change our nickname, it would be you. "Hero" makes you sound like a little child.

Undoubtedly, you have met the same problem as with the tea. You simply haven't read the correct book. I think you might enjoy the right book if one were to give it to you. Try something like an adventure novel. They seem like your style of literature. _Maximum Ride_ or possibly the famous _Harry Potter_ series would be good reads… This would be easier for me if I was in a book shop with you there to give feedback.

If American football is as great of a sport as you say it is that is clearly because it is derived from rugby.

The term I believe you were looking for would be "You can't pull the wool over my eyes". What I am proposing is more than a fair trade for you. I would simply "borrow" Mattie and give you my four brothers in return. That's four for the price of one. I'm sure you can survive without the pancakes for a couple months, Alfred.

At this point I've written the better half of two pages myself, and it's almost three now. Technically, this is the last mandatory letter for class, but I'll keep replying if you continue to send letters my way. If you'd rather end these now, I understand and won't bother you anymore. It was good to know you while it lasted Alfred.

From,

Arthur

PS: Crumpet is helping himself to the tea I have set down next to my computer. I think he will turn out to be quite the tea lover himself.

PPS: You said "Happy New Year" twice Alfred.

* * *

**A/N:** Not as much witty banter as I would like, but you can't have everything. I'd love to hear your favourite part of the letters, or if something seemed off/OOC. It helps me decide what to or not to do in future letters and write better ones. I'm sorry if Arthur doesn't seem like himself. I think I might go back to this chapter later and fix that, but right now I don't really feel like it for some reason.

Reviews are what get me out of those depressing writer's blocks and make me want to write all the faster for the story that was reviewed. The more reviews/favourites/follows, the faster I write. See the pattern here? ;)


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N:** For those of you who are getting out of school right about now, happy summer break! Yesterday was my last day, and it seems like all I've been doing since my last final (Maths, ugh) is writing! This weekend is going to be filled with updates from me. I'm already 3/4 of the way done with the next chapter to Missing Senses, if any of you read it. And I'm coming up to the ending for a new two-shot. It's been really exciting, and I'm so glad that I don't have any more homework or tests for a while. Anyway, without further ado, the next letters:

((For some reason the line break here won't work, so just pretend this is one of those magical lines that goes across the page to signal a scene change~))

Arthur Kirkland

728 Far Shire Road

WELLINGTON

TA21 9HP

UNITED KINGDOM

Dear Gentleman,

Ok, I'm going to nip this one in the bud (I feel like some old guy typing that .) before you start freaking out. I know I kinda tease you, and I'm not the best with grammar and stuffs, but I like getting these letters every once and a while, so I'm not going to stop sending them if you don't! :I Got it?

Wait a second. You actually did it! You didn't correct my spelling or grammar once! I'm so proud of you Artie. You're being less of an old man, congrats! :D

Christmas couldn't have been _that_ bad, even if it didn't snow. You got what you wanted and a cat too! How is Crumpet, by the way? Is he declawed, or do you have a scratching post? Aren't animals awesome? I prefer dogs though. Yes, I'm talking about you Carmel. (She's sitting on the floor wagging here tail X3) You seem like more of a cat person though, so I'm gonna guess that Crumpet is well loved and taken care of.

I'm going to pretended that I'm interested in reading and such for about five seconds. What books did you get? Did you like them? How many pages were they?

I watch a lot of TV, but I've never heard of this "Doctor Who" you speak of. Probably because it's British. I didn't even know you guys made your own shows besides crappy soap operas. I forbid any more Hollywood dissing. Absolutely forbid it. Clearly you've never seen the wonders of American TV! When I go to England and kidnap you, I'm going to take you on a tour around the states. I've always wanted to go on one of those summer road trips you see in the movies. They look like a lot of fun. We could drag Mattie along too! :D

You were talking about me going to some big party, but actually, I stayed home with Mattie, Kuma, and Carmel to watch the ball drop at midnight. Last year we missed it because I forgot about the stupid time zones again. . Why can't we all have midnight _at midnight_? That would make things so much easier!

Kuma and Carmel are getting along great. Kuma keeps stealing my pancakes from me when I'm not looking though :I Yesterday I gave Carmel a hamburger, and she loves them! Mom keeps telling me not to feed her human food though, but whatever. I couldn't sit there eating and have her miss out, you know?

I'm adding to my list of things to make Arthur (you) do one day: stay up playing videogames.

Australia's a big place, but I'll ask them the next time they write or call if they know your cousin.

. Winter break might be long enough for you, but it's way too short to do anything good! Summmmer~ Why must you be so far away?

Dude, you're right. These letters used to be only a page long, but now I have actually sit here typing for a while. They only come about once a month though, so there's a lot to say.

I thought you said that you weren't going to bug me about my grammar! Liar! (I'll give it to you that gonna is underlined in red, but that doesn't mean that I can't use it. XP) Just for that I'm gonna use gonna as much as I can from here on out.

Artie, I don't know who you imagine me as, but seriously, no one wants to hang out with the strange kid that has a hero complex . I'm sure that you could pay the plane ticket over if you saved up enough.

Hey, some of us don't have a dictionary for a brain! I bet most people don't know the meaning of cumbersome. It's such a strange word to begin with…

What are you going on about? I thought tea was just tea… It's all the same, right? Just different brands or something? Because no matter who makes it, tea is gonna suck. Coffee on the other hand, is amazing and I'm thinking about starting a coffee club at school next year... Hey, Artie? How do you make tea?

I do not need a world atlas (whatever that is)! Wait I just thought of something... So tell me if I'm right here, the "United Kingdom" is England, Great Britain, Wales, Scotland, and Ireland. Right?

Victorian Era. That sounds so familiar. Is, is that like Steampunk, kind of? . Ugh, that's killing me. You better reply fast! :I

Hero does not make me sound like a kid! Come on Artie! Heroes are always those cool college people. Unless if it's Teen Titans. Then all of the rules change, because Robin is awesome and he can get away with it.

Haven't read the correct book. Artie, I've tried reading several books, and I never got past the first frickin' page. I'm going to say this slowly for you, mka? Books. Are. Boring. Did you get that? I guess I can humor you some day and walk into a book store with you, though.

Arthur, I could, under no circumstances of any kind, live without my weekly dose of Mattie's awesome pancakes and syrup breakfasts. That is cold hard fact, and it's the same for anyone else that eats his homemade batter-and-chocolaty goodness.

Um, so I probably should have typed this at the start of the letter, but I almost didn't write it at all. Ok, serious mode. Sorry this was so late (Like a week later than usual). I uh, well we never really talk about our days, or how our life is going, so it never exactly came up, but my parents... they're kind of having an all-out war these days. Mattie hasn't been handling it all that well, so um, well I'm kind of trying to take care of him a bit and make sure he's alright. What can I say? Hero complex. Then its second semester, so school is getting harder, and I haven't had a whole lot of time to sit down and actually write anything worth typing.

Wow... That was like, an actual paragraph! ;D You should totally be proud of me, Artie.

So, yea. My letters are gonna be a bit more, um, unscheduled? . I mean they'll still come, but not right away like usual.

From,

The Hero

PS: Just for you, I'm gonna check out the first Harry Potter the next time our class goes to the library ;)

PPS: What's the first one called?

PPPS: Wait, it's something like Harry Potter and the Wizard's Gem right? :P

((The line break still isn't working~))

Alfred F. Jones

1453 N. Covered Wagon Rd.

Forkford, IA 8549

United States of America

Dear Alfred,

It's an amazing feat, but I think I'll be able to repeat the last letter and _ignore _your horrible spelling errors and those forever ridiculous smileys.

How about we agree to disagree on the appeal of the winter holidays, hmm?

Crumpet is well, and so am I. He's taken to curling up in the window on those rare sunny days to enjoy the warm sunlight. I can agree with you that most animals are "awesome" as you put it, but dogs aren't my _favourite_ animal to have running around in my house and tracking in large amounts of mud. I am most definitely a cat person. Not saying that I'd be opposed to throwing a ball around with a Springer Spaniel or Labrador every once and a while.

Thank you for at least pretending you care about reading for five seconds. Though I doubt it took you any longer than three to type out that "paragraph". Anyway, one of the books I received for Christmas was _Leviathan*_ by Scott Westerfeld (440 pages). I was sceptical at first, but it was a very good read and I can't wait to get the next two books. The other was _Tiger's Curse*_ by Colleen Houck (403 pages) and is part of a series I'm reading called the Tiger Saga. I'm sure you've never had the thrill of finishing a book and wanting to start the next immediately, but it's taking all my might not to run down to the book store on Seventh Street and buy _Tiger's Quest_—the book after _Tiger's Curse_.

I should have seen this coming, but I'm truly shocked. You've _never _heard of Doctor Who? I swear you wouldn't last five seconds in England. Let me educate you on the brilliance of Doctor Who. I'll start with the Doctor. He's the main character of the show, and is an alien from the planet Gallifrey. He travels around in a time machine called the TARDIS and saves the Earth from other aliens—among other things. Whenever the Doctor comes close to dying his body "regenerates"; giving him a whole new appearance. Through this process the show has been able to stay on air since 1963 without having the main character constantly change.

The Doctor often brings various humans along on his journeys that are called "companions" and have the generally accepted job of being caught or getting into trouble. There is, of course, a lot more behind the show, but those are the basics for you. I suggest starting off with either season 2 or season 5 since both are at the start of a new regeneration and are two of my favourite Doctors.

Sometimes, I really am sorry for your brother, Alfred. He must be dragged into so many hair-brained schemes of yours that go wrong. I guess, I wouldn't particularly mind a little road trip some time. However, I doubt it would be as relaxing as I'm thinking with you along.

Alfred, first off, midnight is not exactly 00:00 (or 12:00am). It's the time when it is the middle of the night. Secondly, if midnight were to occur here when it occurs in Iowa, then all of England would be calling 5:00 in the morning midnight, which it obviously isn't. I am going to also point out that technically, midnight is always at midnight because the two are the same thing.

You probably shouldn't be feeding a dog human food because their stomachs don't digest it well. I doubt you'll listen to me though. At least no one needs worry that your pets are malnourished.

Dare I ask what idiotic things are on this "list of things to make Arthur do"?

Whining about it won't make your summer break come any sooner, git. If anything, it will make the season seem farther away.

Please, stop with the deliberate "gonna"s. It's giving me a headache already.

Really? You're a loner at school. I wouldn't have guessed it. I always, well; I thought you'd be one of those popular sports jocks... Looks like we're in the same boat.

Alfred, there are an infinite number of types of tea. I know you're American, but _you don't know how to make tea_?! In any case, the first step in making a cup of tea is to fill a tea kettle (a sauce pan will do) with water and put it on the stove. Wait until the water comes to a boil, then poor the water into a mug until it's a little over half-way full. Put in one of the tea bags and let it steep until the tea is a dark as you'd like it. To finish off, poor some milk in the mug and add a _bit_ of sugar. Do not dump in an absurd amount of sugar as I know you're thinking of doing. That would ruin the tea.

That, my friend, is how you make a good cup of tea. Do tell me how you liked it, and before you reject them, try every kind I sent you. They will all taste different.

Don't you dare ever falsely say to an Irishman that Ireland is part of the United Kingdom, you bloody twat! I'd rather it if your next letter was not sent from a hospital room. Currently only Northern Ireland is part of the UK and _not _Ireland. They'd bloody well beat you to a pulp if you made that mistake. The full title of the UK is the United Kingdom of Great Britain and_ Northern_ Ireland. Great Britain is the island that Scotland, England, and Wales are on. Therefore—though you are technically correct in that it's England, Scotland, Wales, and Great Britain—its bad form. You either say Great Britain and Northern Ireland, or England, Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland.

I'm surprised. You got that right, Alfred. Steampunk was indeed based off of Victorian London. I didn't know you were a fan of that genre. Now then, did waiting for my answer kill you yet? I hope not.

I am going to wisely choose to ignore the three sentences about superheroes and move on.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. You simply haven't been reading the right books! If I could just get you to read Harry Potter for a start...

You wouldn't last a week without pancakes you say? One day I'll test that. You haven't had my cooking yet. Then you'll not even think twice about your brother's food.

The book you somehow don't know the title of is called _Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone_, git; though in America it'll be titled _Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone_. Why they went and bloody changed the title is beyond me. Really? Didn't you at least see the movies?

I'm sorry about your parents. You're a good brother to stick up for Mattie like that... I don't think any of my siblings would do that for me. It would seem as if both of our families are having rough patches. If it's any consolation, my father died when I was nine. Right before my younger brother was born. With only mum and my two oldest brothers working petty jobs, we're a bit on the poor side of things. Unfortunately, neither yours, nor my family is doing all that well, it would seem.

From,

Arthur

PS: Thank you for sticking with these letters... They manage to make my day better whenever I receive one (despite the horrible grammar, spelling, and sentence structure).

PPS: Congratulations on the long paragraph. I, surprisingly, didn't find any major errors in your writing there. You're getting better.

((Lalala~ This is a line break~))

Author's Footnote:

[* I own both _Leviathan_ and _Tiger's Curse _and would suggest them both to anyone that likes a mix of fantasy, romance, and on _Leviathan_'s case, a steampunk WWI. Anyone who's read the Tiger Saga knows that it's a romance about an Indian Prince and a college student from Oregon, so of course Arthur would have loved it.]

((Don't mind me here, just another line break~))

**A/N:** First off, Arthur mentioned that his brothers wouldn't be there for him if something happened, but that's just his point of view. They very well might stick up for him if it comes to that.

I went and made my one good humorous fanfic serious! Why do I keep doing this to myself, darn it?

Reviews make my day! When ever I'm in a tough spot, or have a writers block, they help me out and get me writing again. I'd love it if you'd leave on for me. And please tell me if I'm loosing my ability to write for Arthur, because for some reason I have this sinking feeling that he's starting to sound more like me and less like him...

Until next time! Bis Später!


End file.
